Friday, March 5, 2010

I trust you Lord...I think??

I know I can I say "I think" when saying "I trust you Lord"...well that's pretty much how I feel right now. Scott would tell you my emotions at the moment are due to the visiting Aunt but I know they are real:)!
So I am sitting at this computer needing to get some things off my chest. I have been working at my new job all day..Picked up Hamp from my mom n laws at 8, SS is with her grammie(my mom) and I am enjoying a cup of coffee. Yes, its 10:30 at night but this is my dinner!
Why is my heart heavy today? Why did I come home from my 1st day at my new job yesterday and cry like a baby as I held my children? Why did I feel such a sense of guilt last night when I got home? Why did I feel that I had abandoned my children? SS and Hamp woke up and mommy was not there but I am here now. Is this how all working moms feel?
Let me go back to before SS was born. My "work" life was what I wanted. I worked 5 days a week with an amazing doctor and was happy as can be. SS came along and I wanted to be with her more but still needed to work. My boss was able to work with me and I was able to spend every Monday and every other Friday home with SS. Those days meant the world to me. Financially it was a cut for us but I would not have given those 2 days up for anything. I felt like I had my cake and could eat it too...a great job and time with SS.
Then I find out that I am prego with Hamp. Along with excitement came the reality that a decision would have to be made regarding my job. I knew that I could not put 2 children on my mom and mom n law every week all week and I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be home more with them but also needed to work.
I spent months praying about this entire situation and felt like I could not make it work in anyway. You may ask why I tried so hard to stay at a job but I truly loved my boss and all the girls that I worked with. These people were my family and I did not want to walk away from that. I worked for a doctor who had sacrificed a lot to let me work at a reduced schedule and had amazing relationships with the other nurses I worked with. More than anything I knew that I would be going back to the hospital...a place that I did not want to be anymore than I had to. My stomach was in knots for weeks when I knew that I had to tell my boss I would not be returning after delivering Hamp. AND...I was quitting a job with no other job at the hospital confirmed. I did not want a full time job on the floor I currently worked on PRN but there was no part time available. I picked up a PRN job at another hospital and told Scott that I would make it work. I would work enough days between the 2 hospitals to financially make it work. Scott thought I was crazy...why would I leave "a good thing" and have nothing else in place for a job. I didn't have an answer for him. I told him over and over that all I could say was I had a peace about my decision and trusted the Lord to provide for us and provide a job for me. He thought I was a little crazy (we do have bills to pay:)) but he trusted me and he trusted the Lord. Not once did he TELL me what to do ...he let me work it all out. I appreciated that.
...So its been about 14 weeks since my last day at Augusta ENT and honestly it has not seemed very real that I was not returning. Since Hamp was about 8 weeks old I have been working at one hospital here and there to get out of the house and really have enjoyed it....BUT yesterday was a different story. Reality never really set in I think ...I never actually had the mindset of what my "new life" was going to be like...that I would be getting up and going to work before the kids got up and that I would be getting home 30 min before it was time for bed.
No I don't want to stay home everyday ...I am a worker and like being out of the house doing a job that I worked so hard in school to learn...BUT I never thought that I would feel the emotions that I did yesterday. With my new job I will be home with the kids SO much more and will only require childcare 2 days a week ...isn't that what I wanted..yes!
...So all this info to say that I really feel like this is where the Lord has me..I think. I feel like the door at Trinity Hospital opened for me to get this job (I got the job while on maternity leave). I feel like I did make the right decision to leave ENT to be home more with my kids BUT I feel a little miserable right now. I started my job yesterday and the entire day wanted to be either home with my children or at comfort zone...the place I had relationships with my nurses and my boss. I had been looking forward to starting this new journey in my life...a new job and more time with my kids but all that changed yesterday. Why? Lord if this is what you want for me and I am where I need to be why am I feeling this sadness? Why am I not joyful? WHY DOES MOTHERHOOD COME WITH SACRIFICES? I did this for my children shouldn't I be rewarded for that....Im just being honest y'all but a little selfish I know. No more having my cake and eating it too. I feel like I will never have another job that I enjoyed so much..if I have to work I want to work at ENT but I cant. My children need their mommy and I know that. Lord change my selfish ungrateful heart. Help me to be thankful that I have a job that lets me help others and be a servant to others. Help me to use the time I spend with my patients to share your word and shine your light. Help my patients to see you in me. HELP ME TO TRUST YOU. To trust that this is the path you have laid for me...that you will take care of my family. Change my heart of sadness to joy. You have provided a wonderful place for SS and Hamp to be while a work and for that I am grateful. They get to build relationships with their grandmothers while I work.
Lord I feel like this is where you want me so line up my heart with that. I want to trust you..I know...I do..I want to trust you completely.


  1. Very well said... you can really feel it. I struggled with that very same "trust" issue really bad a few years ago. Oh believe me I would say I trusted God..b/c that is the "christianese" thing to say. And I think the enemy plays a good trick and gulit when you suddenly don't "feel" it when you really really need it. Tust is so much a physical thing as it is an emotion...same thing as love. I will never forget the moment when I was struggleing with it God laid on my heart this question " Krista, do you love me enough trust me?" wow- felt like someone just hit me in the gut. I was scared... here's the def of trust .... Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
    2. Custody; care.
    3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.
    a. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one.
    b. One in which confidence is placed.
    5. Reliance on something in the future; hope.
    6. Reliance on the intention and ability of a purchaser to pay in the future; credit

    Wow , huh ? That is what God wants ! Look at those key words.. -confidence- -reliance- -hope- -intention- -firm- THAT'S OUR GOD!!! I would go to God in prayer with God ...this is how I am feeling ...scared...sorrow (and I would go on and on) but Lord I WILL trust in you and with that Lord place in me the confidence reliance hope intention and firmness in me. Slowly but surely over time and me allowing God... did it happen. Nnow don't get me wrong , there are still plently of days that I feel the other way ... but now I know what TRUST meant and so I would throw that in the enemies face. You have a beautiful family .... and this is all apart of it. With having five kids I know what it feels like but the opposite ... God wanted me to stay at home with them and out of the work force. Keep your head up toward the throne, heart humbled before His feet, and knee pads on the knees Take care! Your sister in Christ, Krista D.

  2. Hang in there sister! It's going to get better. I remember when you were apprehensive about starting at the ENT place because you didn't know anyone. One day, Trinity will feel like your comfort zone.

  3. my heart hurts for you friend...but, i'm SO proud of you.
    you are listening & obeying the LORD and that's all HE asks you to do.
    you are a GREAT wife & mom.
    i will be praying that the lord will give you a joy about the hospital jobs and a peace about leaving the kiddos.
    praying for you friend!!!
    i love you.

  4. While my heart is heavy for you right now, I know that the Lord will grant you grace and mercy to get you through this time. It is out of your comfort zone and that is what you are feeling!! It IS hard to be a wife, mother and employee!! You are such a strong girl, though. And knowing that you have 5 days of the week to spend all day with Scott, SS and Hampton should comfort your heart. I love you and miss you so much, but know that the Lord gives us opportunities in our lives so that we can molded and shaped to be more like Him!!! Let Phillipians 4:12 and 13 be your prayer for this moment in your work life!!! YOU ARE WONDERFUL and never forget it!!!

  5. Hey Girl! I have been praying for you! It is so hard to leave a job that we love and start a new one. But you are one of the strongest and sweetest people I know and before long you will get right into the swing of thing! Give little Miss SS and lil Hamp kisses and hugs from us!

    Love ya!

  6. I completely feel your pain. During this tax season I have gone stretches of two-three days without even getting to see Kellen. I know it doesn't sound like that much, but the worst part is that he is right there in the next room... why can't I go hold him?!?! The answer is because my wife might murder me if I woke him up at 10pm when I got home. I leave the house at 6am and whenever I hear him make a sound through the monitor I ask Steph "Is he awake?"... just hoping that maybe he woke up early, so that I can go give him a hug before I go to work. I don't think you are being selfish or ungrateful, I think you love your little ones and want to help provide them with a financially stable home but you hate to lose a single minute with them. Don't feel bad. Put on a smile, kiss your lil' ones whenever you get the chance, and know that things will work out. If you trust your thought process for the decision, trust the path that it leads you.

  7. I could almost cut out this post and paste it on my blog as my own! I started back full-time today and am right there with you emotionally. Difference is I love my job, but am having to decide if I need to go elsewhere for financial reasons. I keep repeating Proverbs 3:5&6 to myself...funny thing is...this passage always reminds me of YOU and Jenn...I know it's a favorite for you both. "Trust in the Lord with ALL YOUR HEART", that's a hard one...but we've got to do it.

    This is the prayer I have posted on my mirror...I'll pray it for you too, precious one.

    "Thank you for the gift and calling of motherhood. Help me to remember that my love for my children is merely a reflection of your own love for them. With that in mind, give me grace to surrender my anxiety. Replace it with a sense of trust and calm as I learn to depend on you for everything. I trust that you have your own purposes at work and that my children are a part of it. I trust you for what's best for my family."